Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would NOT have done well in the military. I’d always be saying things like “SIR LET’S JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE SIR!!!”

   Amazing how you can be first and everything and then last and nothing.....all with a blink of an eye..I hate video games!!

   it just me or are Dating sites costing more than a date now? I just want to go back to the day of throwing a rock and dragging her off her feet.

   I am the Donald Trump of poor people.

   Had to sit down half-way through peeling a hard-boiled egg.

   Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.

   So is everyone Irish yet?

   I’m not saying she’s a slut, but she’s been banged more times than a snooze button on Monday morning.

   Does law enforcement ever look down at their utility belt and think, "I'm not batman, what the fuck am I doing with all this stuff?"

   Your bra is the biggest liar I know.

   if these damned Mayans are wrong, I'm gonna owe a lot money and will definitely have to return the Lamborghini!!

   This getting up at a time I don't want to get up and going to a place I don't want to be is really starting to feel like work.

   Tyler Swift should just accept that she is a total failure at relationships.

   If you watch Tarzan with your eyes closed, it's just Phil Collins singing in the jungle.

   sometimes I put hot sauce in the ketchup bottles at work

   I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer because I'm a germaphobe. I just like everyone to think that I'm hatching a dastardly plan ツ

   Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

   accidently took my wife's menopause medicine last night,.... woke up at 2:30 a.m with an irresistible urge to slap the crap outta myself and tell me to go to my Dog house ....so here I am....

   Top ten things men understand about women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

   Please be patient… Beer isn't finished with me yet.