Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do men act so surprised when they see a stripper jump out of a cake? Do they think someone got them a 4 feet cake to eat? Idiots.

   I don't care what time it is!!! Grilling without a BEER is like going to church and not PRAYING.

   it's lonely at the bottom too.

   To all those who said I couldn't make jokes about blind people... watch me.

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over & over so your friend knows "exactly" where you are.

   Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend's status changes to "In a relatiobship"....You: (Damn). A week later, their status changes back to "Single"....You: (Hahahahahahaha!)

   Why is it when I press 1 for English when calling "Tech Support"... I get someone that doesnt even speak f*ckin english!!!

   I never worry about money. What's the sense of worrying about something you don't have?

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!

   The world`s thinnest book entitled `What Woman Want has only one word written in it,""Everything"!

   Trying is the first step toward failure.

   South African authorities are estimating that 40,000 sex workers will trickle in for the World Cup. Wow! I had no idea hookers like soccer so much!

   Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food web so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's when the zombie apocolypse comes in...

   typIng 1IkE thI5 w0U1d drIvE mE f*ckIng crAzy!

   I am like a freaking Hallmark card..I care enough to post the very best!!

   Racism isn't taught. It's learned. The difference between the 2 is you learn from experience.

   its been proven that 6 out of 7 dwarfs arn't happy

   I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out

   yes I wet the bed from drinkin to much last night..and cause I wanted her gone by the time I woke up to see how ugly she was