Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   Even when it's not the best of days, you can always tell yourself, hey, at least I'm not the guy who sank a $570 million ship.

   I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.

   I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.

   Ever want to answer every question with a middle finger? That's kinda where I'm at today.

   I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.

   Gas stations need to have a happy hour..

   Listen seatbelt...I need you in an emergency situation, not when I reach for something in the cupholder.

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll

   procastinating now. Don't see why I should put it off......

   Movie characters are always so badass. If they wake up mysteriously in a hospital alone and beaten up, they just rip the IV right out their arm and slip past the nurses. I would at least want to see my chart first, and maybe get some juice.

   Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.

   Whenever I choose to go down the stairs next to a crowded escalator, I feel the need to move faster than the escalator to prove to the people on board that I made the better decision.

   No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything.

   That uneasy moment when my doctor is checking my balls for a physical and I run my fingers through her hair.

   cannot stress enough that grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse

   my scientific side says "i'll believe it when I see it". my spiritual side says "i'll see it when I believe it". my drunken side says "what are we looking at?"

   Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”

   Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.