Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.

   Does anybody else have a wife who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her."

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

   I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

   My naked girlfriend just fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?

   if you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Have you ever had one of those bad days when you felt like you were the thong and the world was Rosie O donnell?

   i hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we havent thought about in a while...demons."

   When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash so you don't get robbed.

   I dont have an attitude you just get on my damn nerves....

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

   You never realize how weird your family is until you start to describe them to someone else

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

   On the internet you can be whoever you want. It's odd that so many choose to be stupid.

   I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.

   I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner "

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

   The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.

   Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.