Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks that if you post an album titled "WeDdInG PhoToS", you are probably too young to be married.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

   If I had a kid at 16 I'd get my A$$ whooped, not a TV show.

   FACT: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

   I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...

   Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....

   I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

   I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.

   Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies

   thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.