Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 252 of 6384
FACT: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
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09-16-2010 20:16
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I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...
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12-27-2011 20:50 by fadolo
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My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.
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10-24-2011 20:51 by g0re
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Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....
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11-19-2011 13:14 by Dave
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I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
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11-27-2011 14:56
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"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."
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02-17-2012 20:51 by Aaron
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If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........
I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
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05-07-2012 08:53
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No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.
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09-18-2011 02:42
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That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal
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05-24-2011 16:51 by Mudda
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There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.
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08-09-2011 20:48
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there's a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.
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04-06-2011 23:14 by Danny
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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
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08-07-2015 15:05
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Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....
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02-20-2014 17:00 by :D
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Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
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02-16-2010 19:55 by The FRED
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Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.
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03-20-2010 15:28 by Aaron
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wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?
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03-30-2010 13:02
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Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.
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12-21-2010 20:51
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I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.
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01-12-2011 08:29 by Kevin
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