Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,

   I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills.

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

   One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

   I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

   Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.

   haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

   thinks that if you post an album titled "WeDdInG PhoToS", you are probably too young to be married.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

   If I had a kid at 16 I'd get my A$$ whooped, not a TV show.

   FACT: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?

   Now that Bin Laden is dead, can I finally bring shampoo on a plane?

   I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.

   Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.