Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."

   Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.

   If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.

   When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.

   I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ

   Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British

   In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

   Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"

   "Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

   My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

   So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?

   Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.

   I miss elementary school days where I would have a doctor's appointment and come back to school like a boss with McDonald's.

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   I tweeted to Steve Harvey tonight that he was still my favorite all-time host of Family Feud; but two and a half minutes later I tweeted again to tell him it is actually Richard Dawson

   1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   Dad please dont mess my hair up and say 'love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now