Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay... If we get caught, pretend we don't speak English!

   confused.His left part of his brain has nothing right in it and the right part of his brain has nothing left in it

   I wonder if the CEO of Classmates.com cries every time he sees the word "Facebook."

   When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

   When two meth addicts go out, is it considered speed dating?

   My 2011 New Years Resolution is to hangout with more than 2 of my facebook friends.

   you never realize how annoying people are until you add them on facebook :)

   If you can read this, chances are you won't be recieving a gift from me this Christmas. Happy Holidays!

   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   The first scene of Star Wars 7 should be C-3P0 waking up and saying "I just had three horrible dreams!"

   Silence doesn't always mean 'Yes'. Sometimes it means "I'm tired of explaining to people who don't even care to understand."

   All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.

   Apparently the graphics are so good on the Xbox One, players will be able to see their own social anxiety disorders developing.

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.

   It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.

   "Today its Sunday" Forward this to 15 friends,.. within 7 days you"ll get another Sunday. it really works... One of my friends ignored it and he got Monday within 24 hours