Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished."

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

   Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok by friday;)

   Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

   Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement

   I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?

   Girlfriend texted me, "I have tried my best to make this relationship work but I seem to be the only one trying. So I have decided to break up with you and move on with my life. Can you delete my number and never contact me." I replied, "Who's this?"

   When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe...now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......

   Why is it that when I walk into a Walmart I feel like I should give the greeter my ticket for the freakshow I'm about to see?

   A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

   My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)

   Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

   My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

   If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.

   Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.

   If you think I talk too much, let me know. We can talk about it.

   Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!

   I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

   I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don't know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc'd my new girlfriend who wanted proof.