Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

   so I go to walmart and see two problems, 1. they have a justin bieber doll and 2. you press his crotch to hear him sing...

   I gotta admit, I got a lil excited when I heard they're remaking Total Recall, this time with Colin Farrell. I was wondering who they'd get to play the 3 breasted mutant prostitute ... then it hit me ... SNOOKI would be perfect!

   I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

   Remember children; A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey Shore.

   Here's your motivational speech... YOU SUCK. Change this.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder" That shut em up 

   ahhh..st. patricks day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!

   My girlfriend's phone space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate?

   If you don't enjoy scaring dogs by talking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, don't bother stopping by my house on Christmas morning.

   I saw a couple of signs that read "END ROAD WORK". Now I'm all for a good protest, but I just can't get aboard with this one.

   I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

   Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Well everyone except you! (You know who you are).

   Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you

   Got a copy of The Christmas Story today...I was surprised they edited the DVD down to 96 minutes...I always enjoyed the 24 hour version of the movie

   It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Guys, do your part to make sure that cancer doesn't steal second base.

   Sooo.. In between Mundane Monday.. And Whip'em Out Wednesday.. I now proclaim today as.."Touch ur Toes Tuesday!" Because people are just so eager to F*ck you every chance they can get!

   A Happy Meal without a toy should be called a Sad Meal.

   Ugh, this girl who woke up in my bed is SO needy. She's all "Who are you?" "What'd you put in my drink?"

   I need a BAD GIRL with good INTENTIONS