Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turning the music up does NOT cover up a fart... No matter what song is on!

   Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. Abraham Lincoln

   Christmas is the time of year when we want our pasts forgotten and our presents remembered!

   It's been reported that an 8 year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it's been a pretty bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.

   If you notice this notice,you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing

   a police officer states"I'm never gonna say "come here" to a convicted porn-star again"

   My second favourite household chore is laundry. My first favourite is being hit in the head repeatedly by the ceiling fan blades until I faint.

   Even after creeping through all of your profile pictures, I still have no idea who you are or what you look like since there are 20 people in each of your photos.

   Don't add foreign words to your text messages in an attempt to sound intelligent. It will backfire and make you look like a pillock. Comprende?

   This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

   Wonders how do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   why do people think it's necessary to pose with alcohol in facebook pictures??? It was original the first dozen times.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

   ' It won't be long now,' said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.'

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

   There's only one perfect child in the world; and every mother has it! Happy Mother's Day

   I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**

   It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose

   There's nothing like a visit from an out of town friend to point out how little I actually know about the city I live in.

   never forget the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.