Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.

   I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.

   You can never read a doctor's prescription, but you can sure read his bill

   Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

   I don't know if It's considerate or Ironic that McDonald's wraps their hamburgers in toilet paper

   Sometimes I feel like you guys are only my friends for my statuses

   Music now a days sucks....Jim Morrison, dead; Kurt Cobain, dead; Biggie, dead; Justin Beiber, healthy as a god damn mule!

   Feminists are giving Kellyanne a hard time about not sitting "ladylike" on the couch. These are the same women who dressed up like va-jayjays and went on a march.

   Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   Pot is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

   Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command.

   New condom slogan...."Wrap it in latex or give her your paychex."

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".

   Last night I think Count Dracula was following me or possibly just a guy in a vampire halloween costume either way, the wooden stake worked!

   I'm eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes. THEY'RRRRRRRRRE ok, I guess.

   Happy Humpday ...........hump like a camel and get down and dirty like frog nuts!

   Why do women do such silly things sometimes, like trying to turn a one night stand into an engagement?

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.

   If you're in a relationship for sex it's like buying an airplane for the peanuts.