Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm starting to think that all those hours in school when I practiced writing my autograph was just a waste of time.....

   Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."

   I wonder if astronomers will ever find the opening credits to Stars Wars floating out there

   Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don't make eye contact while eating a banana...

   Why Do Guys Cheat On Pretty Girls With Ugly Ones....?

   I propose we add a new day to the week and call it "Someday," just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on it.

   Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give unrealistic expectations to women about what to expect from men. Porn has the same effect on men.

   When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."

   So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had to wait 40 years to get his own momunent, and then they make it out of white marble? Awkward...

   I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me. Anyway about halfway down he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

   People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....

   The diamond company "Debeers" has had some pretty interesting slogans. One year it was "Diamonds, will take her breath away.", last year it was "Diamonds will render her speechless.". I think this year it should be, "Diamonds, that'll shut her up."

   Men may have created fire but women have discovered the art of playing with it..

   I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'.I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

   Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.

   No updates this morning. Cant find anything worth stealing from anywhere...

   With everything going on lately... I've got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!

   If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

   Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that.