Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....

   The diamond company "Debeers" has had some pretty interesting slogans. One year it was "Diamonds, will take her breath away.", last year it was "Diamonds will render her speechless.". I think this year it should be, "Diamonds, that'll shut her up."

   Men may have created fire but women have discovered the art of playing with it..

   I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'.I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

   Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.

   No updates this morning. Cant find anything worth stealing from anywhere...

   With everything going on lately... I've got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!

   If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

   Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that.

   received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

   I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.

   If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   who else wakes up in the morning and checks their Facebook like its the morning newspaper??

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   Kids these days are spoiled. Ipads, smart phones, video games, etc. But they'll never know the joy of putting an Ozzy Osborne cassette tape in a Teddy Ruxpin

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   Welcome to Facebook, choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen

   I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!

   I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign