Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   who else wakes up in the morning and checks their Facebook like its the morning newspaper??

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   Kids these days are spoiled. Ipads, smart phones, video games, etc. But they'll never know the joy of putting an Ozzy Osborne cassette tape in a Teddy Ruxpin

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   Welcome to Facebook, choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen

   I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!

   I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   If God didn't think humility was important, he would have put the prostate somewhere else.

   What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."