Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100.

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think..

   thinks God will still love me if I don't annoy 15 of my friends with some stupid chain email.

   just had to separate 5 loads of laundry....and they will just have to sit there and think about what they've done....then and only then will I deal with them....

   How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

   If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.

   noticed the Weather Channel has a new show hosted by a dude named Peter Lik....How old do you have to be for that NOT to be funny because I evidently haven't reached it yet.

   I'm starting to think that all those hours in school when I practiced writing my autograph was just a waste of time.....

   Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."

   I wonder if astronomers will ever find the opening credits to Stars Wars floating out there

   Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don't make eye contact while eating a banana...

   Why Do Guys Cheat On Pretty Girls With Ugly Ones....?

   I propose we add a new day to the week and call it "Someday," just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on it.

   Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give unrealistic expectations to women about what to expect from men. Porn has the same effect on men.

   When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."

   So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had to wait 40 years to get his own momunent, and then they make it out of white marble? Awkward...

   I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me. Anyway about halfway down he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"