Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2's?

   i hate when girls on tinder say "not looking for hook ups just friendships!" yeah and I'm on pornhub to see if the plumber is gonna fix the sink

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

   I hope the Olympics has taught kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t" – Prince Harry

   I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."

   just realized that Superman was an illegal immigrant

   Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   there needs to be a new traffic light color. something like blue that means 'hey idiot, stop texting the lights about to turn Green'

   Eating Breakfast, drinking coffee, catching up on Facebook and listening to music. It's impressive to be this busy and still get nothing done.

   There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.

   **TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.

   To the high school counselor who told me I'd never amount to anything: spot on, dude. You, sir, are a psychic.

   Now that everyone has cameras you'd think there would be more pictures of UFOs, Bigfoots, ghosts, etc.

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   Irony of a woman – she spends hours putting on makeup, exotic perfume, expensive jewellery and outfit but when people finally look at her the first thing they say, "Wow nice a$$"

   Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times

   I see your swag and I raise you a high school education.

   Time To Get Star Spangled Hammered