Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   laughter is the best medicine...unless you have diarrhea.

   OMG. I wish Bruno Mars would go ahead and catch that gernade or take that bullet to the brain already. I am so sick of that song!!

   When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic.

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator?

   0 = The amount of care about your Candy Crush progress.

   EX means ..'' thanks for the EXperience , your time has EXpired , now EXit in my life . !

   Summary of everyone's Facebook timeline: 1. born 2. things got worse

   Making me doubt myself was your first mistake. Underestimating me will be your last.

   can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before I discovered Facebook...

   wondering why baby outfits have pockets? You can just imagine your 8 month old saying "yep fag's, phone, i-pod, keys ... ready to go."

   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

   Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.

   57. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed

   Mystery: why black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars.

   Yea OK... Like I am the only man who ever wears feathers in his hair from time to time.

   ...roses are red, violets are blue, I'm doing my laundry so I don't smell like you.

   You think of it as an extra hour of sleep..... I think of it as 6 less taps on the snooze button.

   Changing the face can change nothing. But facing the change can change everything.

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.