Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like E.L.O. Cause if you say it fast enough you sound like a fun dad answering the phone

   Oh, I'm so sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   Drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise.

   When you go Black you never go back. Black Coffee that is.

   I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know how to quit it.

   once my kid learned how to read I had to explain why all his Christmas presents said 'Made in China'

   wondering if anyone else thinks that the new Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan looks like Paul Blart in the "Mall Cop" movie?

   Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts

   "Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times."

   Now that food has replaced sex,I can't even get into my own pants.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

   Ever notice in movies that all the bad stuff happens after having sex? Like the Terminator showed up just minutes after the sex scene.

   At the end of the day its just ME...not YOU or YOUR feelings!

   Ever have one of those friends that has been there for you, took interest in what you do then just stops talking to

   I stand in an elite group, Procrastinators! The leaders of tomorrow...

   The worst thing about calling in sick today is not being able to post last night's rage fest pictures until this weekend.

   most problems can be solved with good friends, good chocolate, or good beer. For everything else, there's duct tape.

   Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.

   "Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not"

   says Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...