Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, or vacuum cleaner. 
When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.
Mark Zuckerberg got married today. His new wife set her relationship status to "CHA-CHING!!"
is just me or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?
Today's Forecast: Mostly Grumpy with a 60% chance of Grouchy. High of Mean/Low of Nasty. A Temper Tantrum warning is in effect. Take immediate shelter!
not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.
A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby
So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?
Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising
McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'
I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.
The rules were already broken when I got here.
Who else still thinks they have super powers, but they just don't know how to activate them yet?
I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks...As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there.
Today I shall rise to the occasion and be magnificent. I shall conquer all tasks set before me and not falter in my diligence to fulfill my duties with honor....haha, just kidding.
I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud. 