Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.

   I had no idea Baltimore had won any type of championship!!!!

   Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   If you always have to be right, then that's the first thing wrong with you.

   Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.

   I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.

   33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the hell up...

   Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.

   If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.

   Dear Terrorist, I don't get why you kill people in the name of God. If God wanted to take someone's life, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking for your help.

   It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.