Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and The Biggest Loser....On TV at the same time tonight...makes me wanna eat chocolate cake then go throw it up....

   doesn't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

   Apparently it's green week. In an effort to contribute, I just created a save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.

   take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

   Trust is like a piece of paper,once its crumpled it cant be perfect!

   that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

   My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.

   I had no idea Baltimore had won any type of championship!!!!

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   I hope tonight's the night when we'll finally see a presidential candidate make the jerk-off motion while the other candidate is speaking.

   Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?" Why doesn't she just answer me?

   There's got to be an easier way to get vodka into a Capri Sun.

   when it costs more to get to work than you make, the amish are probly laughin their @sses off

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   Disney's now letting its theme park employees grow beards. I don't know... I think some kids might get freaked out by Snow White's new goatee.