Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz

   Men are terrified of women. Don't believe me? Go use one of those decorative towels in the bathroom. I dare ya."

   Nevermind my cut finger or the blackeye, the important thing is that the wine bottle is open.

   Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

   I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

   I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

   Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

   I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said "Yeah, pump 6."

   Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t" – Prince Harry

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down the volume on the radio?

   The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.

   Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I'm wearing a wire. One of the two

   Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell!

   Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.

   I think I am going to make my own beer. I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!

   I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

   Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.