Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can watch things happen, you can make things happen, or you can wonder what just happened." ~ Phil Harris RIP

   Can everyone just go n help get all the water out of BP's oil!! Thanx!!

   Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.

   Facebook should have a ”no one cares” button

   I don't care what my boss says, according to this fortune cookie I will soon get a promotion at work.

   Vegetarians - My food sh**ts on your food........

   Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.

   thanks his mum for teaching him TIME TRAVEL as a kid. She would always say: "straighten up or I'll knock you into next week!"

   Women say looks don't matter and all they want is a guy who is smart and funny. But all they end up doing is laughing at whatever the stupid good looking guy says.

   If "Twitter" wasn't such a lame name, and if it wasn't called "tweeting", I'd probably be into it.

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   If it isn't less than I'm doing right now, then it's hardly the least I can do.

   Why do I happen to wear black when I'm eating powdered donuts. Dammit.

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   Dude... "Who else would put up with me?" is not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.

   My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

   I LOVE it when people are overly sarcastic. No, really, it's great! Thanks a bunch!

   My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why

   Buying clothes once in awhile for a child doesn't make you a parent anymore than crapping on a windshield makes you a bird...

   Error: Facebook status removed due to awesomeness overload