Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Can we talk for a minute?" is code for, "I am going to ruin the next 6 hours of your life with this bad news here."

   When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...

   Did you know birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody still rushes to get a piece?

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

   thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'. I've reached position 176 and apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman.

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   be smart, pretend to be stupid!

   You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.

   Men in 20's play football, men in 30's play cricket and men in their 40's play Golf. Have you noticed the older the men the smaller the balls?

   Most fortune cookies are too boring and cliché. So, I've decided to start my own fortune cookie company. My goal is to at least make the fortunes more accessible and realistic. Such as: You will experience a horrific bowel movement in about 10 minutes.

   My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist. He's busy vacuuming now.

   Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?