Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger.

   My level of lazy is that I don't think house arrest would be that bad.

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...

   RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.

   "Can we talk for a minute?" is code for, "I am going to ruin the next 6 hours of your life with this bad news here."

   When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...

   great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.

   Who else still thinks they have super powers, but they just don't know how to activate them yet?

   Did you know birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody still rushes to get a piece?

   Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!

   I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'. I've reached position 176 and apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman.

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   be smart, pretend to be stupid!

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.