Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.

   You know how you can hear the sea if you hold a sea shell to your ear? I'm pretty sure if you hold dog sh*t to your ear it sounds like Justin Bieber.

   Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box.

   Being heckled during sex is the worst.

   Some days you just can't get home to your liquor fast enough

   Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   I'm not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.

   My gf won’t get the remote that’s in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she’d be shopping already.

   I've already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.

   So would the ACLU defend me if I protested and burned down ACLU headquarters?

   Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?

   Never make a decision when you are angry and never promise when you are fornicating.

   Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."

   Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.

   The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice.

   I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

   This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store.

   My cell phone battery dies faster than a mother in a Disney movie.

   Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.