Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was in a Ross' today. Do they always look like they were just hit by an earthquake?

   Better get a bigger spatula before you try flipping that on me!

   Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle.

   Dear Gain, You need to come up with a laundry soap that will wash the disappointment out of my sheets after a regretful one night stand.. Work on that. Sincerly, Every Guy in America

   You can always tell which friends have no life, you can never get a poke up on them.

   Not everyone can be a Rockstar.....some of us have to be satisfied with just being the irritating pebble in a shoe....

   Apparently NPR and PBS are filled with sexual perverts. God, I hope Cookie Monster is not involved

   All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.

   Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I'd prefer if you used the term "handsomely-challenged

   It's never too late to start secretly playing air guitar.

   rapping with Dr. Seuss. That dude has mad skills.

   You're so fake, Barbie is jealous

   would like to wish everyone a Friday the 13th filled with horny teenagers and not machete wielding maniacs...!

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems; but then again, neither does milk.

   taking my loose change to the club tonight to make it HAIL!

   wonders if the local Palm Reader that went out of business saw it coming?

   Are there any workout programs that target the face? You really need one of those.

   I'm not hiding anything... but stop looking at my phone while I'm texting.

   ahhh! The life of an overworked Zombie

   Some of the ugliest faces in this world hide behind a 12 pack of beer