Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DO NOT tickle me, Elmo!

   It's unbelievable how many problems go away by simply ignoring them and going to sleep.

   Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.

   dear rapper, pls stop using sirens in ur songs sincerely, paranoid smoker

   When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

   When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?

   What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.

   Hillary couldn't even establish a "No Fly Zone" on her face!!

   Gonna get two gold front teeth that says, "fried chicken"

   I wonder if everybody is still Kung Fu fightng.

   I wish the ATM machine would spit me out an extra 20 just one damn time!!

   quit gambling. wanna bet?

   seize the moment! Remember all those people on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart...

   "You look like you work out", said no one, to me.

   ✔ Food ✔ Beer ✔ More food ✔ Suit ✔ Laundry ✔ Wine ❒ Christmas Gifts ..... Damn

   Dear Facebook Family...Thanks for being the Joy to my World...Merry Christmas!

   awake ❒ asleep ❒ concious but hung over ✔

   People never say, "Boy that was sure a great Ben Affleck movie".

   thinks Apple needs a device that emits warning signals that a loser is approaching...call it the iPutz.

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people............