Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   wondering why the chick who flipped me off in the parking lot this morning couldn't find a better use for that finger. She could have been so much happier!

   lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this...

   If you want to change the Font size on Facebook, just press CTRL and + till you get the size you want, Or CTRL and - to make it smaller.

   I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it's dirty again. This is bullsh*t.

   I'm old enough to remember when there was only 1 fat kid in the class photo.

   Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.

   I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.

   A man hit my fender the other day and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful and multiply.' But not in those words.

   If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.

   You have no idea how funny I am to me.

   I'm Not Walking With My Head Down Because I'm Sad, My Head Is Down Because I Want To Be The First Person To Find Whatever You Lose.

   lost the key to my imagination, and now I can't start my unicorn

   For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid

   I once had the best job in the world.. I'll I was mandated to do was homework and be home before the street lights.. Best benefits ever

   Washes entire car with the squeegee at the gas pump

   When her toes start throwing up gang signs, you know you've hit the right spot.

   I'm not saying your baby is ugly, I'm just wondering which end the food goes in..

   I support the death penalty, but only for the most heinous and unforgivable crimes like murder, rape or breast reduction surgery.

   You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."