Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ Cause this is Thriiiiiiilleeeeeeer

   Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome............................. Take your time,,, I'll wait

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don't you eat all the food?

   Well, time to get dressed and go Christmas shopping. What time does Walgreens close?

   All clowns are serial killers. It's a fact.

   Can God start making Vegetarians green in color so they don’t have to keep telling everyone they eat plants.

   While reciting the alphabet, we all turn into rappers when we get to L M N O P. That's the gangsta part.

   Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

   You say, "I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your relationship status.

   After today, it looks like the only chance Michael Phelps has at seeing gold is pissing in the pool.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff.

   Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

   I'm glad that "worchestershire" isn't a word we have to use everyday! I would appear retarded.

   Whatever I did to make you hate me, I'd like to know. I have other people I can use that on.

   Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.

   Lamar Odom has been missing for 3 days. Guess he couldn't keep up with the Kardashians.

   At my funeral, I want a homie to adjust my junk one last time. I'm not gonna rest peacefully if my balls are pinched between my legs.

   Meanwhile, in Iran, shock as traces of beef are found in camel meat.