Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The girl at CVS asked if I wanted to "hang out and wait for my prescription" I told her I don't even know you and besides I have a girlfriend

   If you are going to cheat, make sure she isn't wearing glitter.

   Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.

   For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.

   If you see one of those people on the street swearing & muttering to themselves be nice, it's probably me trying to remember my passwords.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.

   When everyone was giving apples to their teachers, I was the one giving cucumbers... Still to this day, Mr. Smith won't look me in the eyes.

   "‎"when I was a kid, I was terrified of ear wigs cause I thought they came outta your ears. just imagine when I found out about cockroaches!""

   Well I guess Caitlyn Jenner missed out on both Mother and Father's Day this year....

   Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me on that.

   Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...

   D*ck Head is Back , Great time to take few days off till someone blocks him again.

   Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   A picture is worth a thousand words. Yours just says “slut” a thousand times in a row

   These people on my Facebook aren't really friends, just more of a wish list of people I want to sleep with

   If young girls ruled the world there would be no wars. They would be too busy obsessing about Twilight and Justin beiber to do anything violent.

   I've forgotten how to "hang out" with people if alcohol isn't involved.

   Creaking floorboards have been known to ruin the plans of thousands of teenagers.

   Pregnancy Test: The magic wand that can make a man disappear.