Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys - A few words of wisdom...when a woman asks for your opinion, she doesn't want to hear your "actual" opinion, she simply wants to hear her opinion in a deeper voice.

   Every sentence is a sexual innuendo if you think long and hard about it.

   Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts, and feeling your nuts.

   It is already December 21, 2012 in Australia and nothing happened.

   My Ex texted me: "I Miss You..." So I replied: "We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f***.......

   Sign of the times! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating up our kids.

   Marijuana is the gateway drug to a very large value meal.

   I've just ordered personalized license plates that say, "BAA BAA" They should look awesome on my black jeep. O_o

   If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.

   If the NBA really wanted me to watch, they'd be play Football instead!!

   A good rule of thumb is, if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

   When Ellen DeGeneres gives away an automobile on her show she should call the segment "What Would You Do for a Blonde Dyke's Car?"

   If a little kid gives you a high 5 and you don't pretend like they broke your hand, you're doing life wrong.

   Last night I jerked off so good that when I woke up my D!ck was in the kitchen making breakfast

   Easy Bake Oven, Teaching Girls Their Place Since 1963

   Tried to watch the World Cup....Why does it sound like there is a pi$$ed off swarm of hornets at every game????

   going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

   This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

   Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.

   Dear Scotland, if you choose to go it alone we dont want drunken texts in a few months time saying what a huge mistake it was. Yours England