Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   plans on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids yell "Trick or Treat", jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is better".

   Its so cold, if you suck on an ice cube it gets bigger.

   Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

   According to a new report,women who have had breast implants get spells of dizziness,blurred vision & slurred speech. This is because of the amount of alcohol bought for them.

   watched several people 'ducking' while running through the rain tonight ... does that really help?

   Whatever happend to Sex, Drugs , & Rock & Roll, Now we just have AIDS ,CRACK And Techno

   There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

   Poland's worst ever air disaster happened today when a two seat Cessna crashed in a cemetery on the outskirts of Warsaw . Polish rescue workers have so far recovered 423 bodies , but expect that number to increase as digging continues .

   I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   So this year I decided to fill out my own tax return, and guess what ... I'm getting back 4 million dollars!!!

   Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.

   man code #3: if your friends zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothing

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   The guy in line in front of me has flowers, condoms, mints, deodorant, and Champagne. It's no secret what he's up to... Whereas my items are less revealing... toilet paper, Perpetration H, Imodium A-D, and stain remover.

   A lawnmower is like a man. You either have to push it or ride it if you expect to get any work out of it.

   Good lord I'd hate to see what Canadians do if they lose in curling!

   likes girls for their hearts. Their big, bouncy, jiggly hearts.

   Tonight at 11: A channel 3 exclusive - How a dangerous game of peekaboo sent two children to the ICU.

   I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.

   Million dollar idea: Chocolate Nerds called Urkels.