Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All TVs should come with a brick to throw at it when the Wendy Williams show comes on

   Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   Gift cards are still the best way to say "I'm too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you'll buy drugs if I give you cash."

   a girl ignoring you? Just ignore her ignoring you. Works every time.

   My wife just accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.

   At a Birthday Party, I dared one kid to suck all the helium out of all the balloons. Today this kid is known as Justin Bieber.

   My son just tried to claim that his room is not messy…that it is merely set up in obstacle-like manner to keep him fit.

   Dear women of Jersey Shore, You're making me look bad. Sincerely, Orange.

   Red wine goes with meatloaf, right?

   I'd like to see the tambourine make a roaring comeback into modern music.

   I can have hundreds and hundreds of friends on facebook, but that won't stop me from saying "WTF!?" when that number goes down by one...

   Politicians are like prostitutes; they get paid to pretend they like people while they are screwing them.

   When I don't have a good status... you end up wasting your time reading sh*t like this.

   I have a feeling Thursday the 5th of July is not going to be a very produtive day at work.

   Boy: I wear the pants in this relationship. Girl: yah but I control the damn zipper.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   If you don't audibly fart when you're getting a security patdown at the airport, the terrorists win.

   Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.

   If I were homeless, I'd stand in front of other homeless dudes and hold a sign that says "He's lying."