Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ♫♫♪♪ It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer ♪♪♫♫

   Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

   Think of a number between 68 and 70....

   Don't shop when hungry. Don't date when horny. Don't update your status when drunk

   They should put Harriet Tubman on the EBT card instead

   I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.

   Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?

   a girl takes dress to the dyrcleaners & asks for it be cleaned. The man is a bit deaf & says come again, Girl blushes and says no this time its yogurt!!!

   Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.

   4 shots of 5 hour energy this morning, not only do I look like I have Parkinsons, but I can actually see sound waves resonating when people talk to me.

   do me a favor if anyone sees that groundhog today PLEASE shoot that little s*** !!!!!

   Have you guys ever noticed the months July, August, September, October and November spell out the name JASON???? Have I discovered something kinda like the Da Vinci Code??!

   I picked up my new iPhone today.......nah, just kidding......my droid had that technology two years ago

   that moment when you step into your car after work and unleash the thousands of farts you've been holding in all day

   ladies just so you know when you are wearing yoga pants all we are looking at is the outline of your pu$$y..

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   I'm pissed. Somebody stole my 330 million dollars!

   I dont even call it a hangover anymore. I just call it ''morning''.

   Don't go 4 looks; they can deceive. Don't go 4 wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright

   Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?