Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.

   I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question

   It's like grandma used to say "pass that sh it to the left and don't fcuk up the rotation"

   I'm on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.

   The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.

   If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.

   Men that wear Crocs have seen every episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'

   I think, therefore I drink.

   In honor of the 25th anniversary of Tim Burton's Batman, a gentle reminder that his batmobile required a grappling hook to make a left turn.

   I have a life outside the internet. But not on purpose.

   "Aggrevation", "Sorry", "Trouble", "Outburst". I think Hasboro knows my relationships.

   Mariah and Nick announced their split. In other news, no one gives a $hit...

   Play Closing Time at my funeral because it's likely I died trying to change the radio station when it came on.

   How about A public washroom so nice,, that you don't have to flush the toilet with your foot.

   Dear Mom & Dad,,,Summer Camp looks a lot like a WalMart parking lot.. Also,, Is it usually six months long?... Love Billy

   I want to hold you till the end of time. Or until I have to pee. Or whichever comes first.

   its funny how I know the name of a mayor from canada but not the prime minister.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "you don't really wanna know"

   Not judging at all, but if you have a mullet in your commercial, you might want to update your advertising.

   Manager claims OJ Simpson could be Khloe Kardashian's father. And I thought this family couldn't get any more dysfunctional.