Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.

   Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   That akwward moment when... you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

   I can hear Wiener's pick-up line....."My bologna has a first name....

   Girls here's an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.

   Hey Facebook.. If I "UNFRIEND" someone.. Please don't put them in my "People you may know".. Of Course I F*ckin know them! I just choose not to be friends with them!

   Porn videos that load slowly should say 'muffering.'

   4 out of 5 bubble baths result in Santa Claus beards.

   This is amazing! Copy and paste this as your status, and within 5 minutes, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN! This really works! I tried it twice and it worked both times. Copy and paste this as your status, more people need to know about this ♥♥♥

   I opened our windows to get some fresh air in the house and now the neighbors are wondering why the whole block stinks

   When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there

   Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD

   Who's hit more balls than Babe Ruth?...... Your chin

   Read it slow: LIFEISNOWHERE. What did you read? LIFE IS NO WHERE or LIFE IS NOW HERE? Life is as you read it.

   Here's to anyone who has had their heart broken by someone... they have never dated.

   Im surprised kids haven't found a way to trick or treat online yet

   Older women are why I don't like younger women.

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan...

   I heard the new NBA 2K13 is so real that when Kobe gets the ball, the pass button just stops working.

   Now is the later I avoided earlier.