Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   X says The royal baby has been named George Alexander Louis? They must watch a lot of Seinfeld reruns.

   Dentist: "If it hurts, just imagine yourself on tropical isle lying under a palm tree." Dentist: "Does that help?" Me: "Yeah, except every 2 seconds a coconut falls and hits me in the mouth."

   Sometimes I just want to slap the stupid out of people, but I'm worried it'd take up my entire day

   The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!

   I'm one of those guys who can eat whatever I want and not get pregnant.

   Just came from the Library and asked the librarian Do you have any books on ''How to find a job'' she muttered Most likely in the ''Fantasy Section!''

   Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.

   You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Kanye too!

   instead of hands up don't shoot,how about pull your pants up don't loot....

   Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, “Well, I’ve had two children.” Reply with, what? for Breakfast?”

   At last I've managed to find my girlfriend's G-spot! Who would have thought her sister had it all the time?

   Have you heard about the new movie, 'Constipation'? It hasn't come out yet.

   Please put this on your status if you know someone who is an idiot. Idiots affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for stupidity, but we can raise awareness. 93% wont copy and paste this, mainly because they're too stupid to copy and paste

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." But the friend would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   If you’re suddenly surprised that COVID was made in a lab after conspiracy theorist have been saying that for the last 16 months, just wait until we “circle back” to the election results.

   I love this global warming! Who cares if my Grand kids won't get to see a Polar bear. I didn't get to see a dinosaur, & I turned out ok. At least the melting ice caps will cover Jersey Shore with water, so they won't have to see that either.

   I got a free wallet and watch today. It's like this gun is magic.

   If you and your gf/bf traded phones for one day, would you still be together when the day was over?

   " Hey ,Skinny jeans aren't for men" Sincerely, Your Balls.