Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hoping that Steve Harvey isn't the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!

   Now he really IS the artist formally known as Prince

   I don't see what the big deal is with the legalization of pot in Washington D.C. is...I always thought those people were smoking something anyway.

   Whatever, low battery indicator. You're not the boss of

   Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don't want to hear about it.

   putting someones genitals in your mouth is OK, but eating a Dorito off the floor after 2 seconds is gross

   If Spiderman really got bit by an actual spider, how come he don't shoot webs out his butt like a real spider?

   Ripley's Believe It Or Not says it's just a myth that humans only use 10% of their brains. Unless they're Kardashians.

   Mayweather hugged on Manny more during that fight then my dad did the whole time I was growing up.

   does my BEST proofreading right after I hit send!

   Umm,, Why does everyone in Cracker Barrel look like the cast of Mama's Family?

   I am super tired... well its regular tired except I have a cape... okay just a blanket and one hell of an imagination

   My ex was bisexual. I had to buy her stuff for her to become sexual.

   I tried to give my massage therapist a tip but she refused. Something about she has a boyfriend blah blah blah.

   In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King I will be marching 12 miles to work today in the middle of the street....

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the a$$.

   The kids are gonna be shtting themselves after trick or treating at my house tonight......Chocolate laxatives are the best.

   I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it

   Ladies, show me your duck lips and I'll show you some duct tape.

   Honestly,,,,, I love every single some of you.......