Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...

   My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.

   I'll never forget the awesome feeling in kindergarten when I had the largest box of crayons with the sharpener.

   Seriously Justin Bieber clean sweeps the American Awards? I have lost faith in all American voting systems.

   I think all the call of duty's should have a PS3 vs. XBOX online game mode.

   It's a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren't lesbian and dating. Imagine if they broke up.

   I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?

   I'm not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn't understand anything. I don't speak Spanish

   Ok, I cant take it anymore. Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.

   wonders why, if you send someone a fruit basket, you are thoughtful. If I mailed someone an orange and a banana, they'd wonder, "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"

   POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

   I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder....

   If Apple made a car, would it have windows?

   I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

   At the rate brothers are marrying white girls, the sisters will be extinct in about 50 years...

   I hate when movies say "May contain nudity." Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time.

   When I was a boy my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a $1 and i'd come back with 2 loafs of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a block of cheese, a box of tea, 6 eggs and 5 potatoes. You can't do that now , too many feckin security cameras.

   Gone are the days when journalism was just about sharing information and not about sharing personal opinions, prejudice, bias and judgment.

   Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.