Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Giving people the benefit of the doubt is usually just a polite way of temporarily overlooking their stupidity.

   Wife: Promise me, you'll let my mom ride in the first car with you at my funeral. Husband: OK, but it'll ruin my day.

   enough with the Marty McFly posts! George Carlin traveled back from the year 2688 to help out Bill and Ted but you don't see me posting about it!

   Common sense is so rare, it should almost be classified as a superpower!

   Even with all your flaws the right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   It's never too early to start drinking for St. Patrick's Day. There are only 52 days left.

   Geez!....Drop a couple "fun size" Absolute miniatures in a trick-or-treater's sack and suddenly it's a neighborhood "incident".

   Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine

   Nothing says love like, "I'm busy this weekend but I'll call you Wednesday."

   Just nailed the "She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys.." part on Hotel California.....don't judge

   Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.

   Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.

   Kids are ridiculous these days, when we were young, we took spelling tests, not pregnancy tests.

   SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die.

   Just drunk enough to compose.. Just sober enough to backspace.

   Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I kinda always thought Tom and Katie would eventually fall in love.

   It`s going to be sad when the wife finishes the 50 shades trilogy ...Not cause of all the sex and stuff , but because then I won`t be able to watch sport in peace .......

   refuses to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.