Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives. 
Having one of those days where I'm seriously considering swallowing a handcuff key....Just in case.
The last men's softball team I was on was awful, so I changed our name halfway through the season to ‘Off Constantly', so when the other teams won they could say they beat Off Constantly.
Most of the people in our generation are stupid because we had to grow up watching Elmo.
I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.
To Kim Kardashian: "They playin' my Jam"...seriously??? I've heard better tunes coming from my ass after chilli n' beer night. Please don't sing any more songs. The only "tapes" you should be mixin' are sex tapes. LOL! Seriously, I'm just sayin'....
Kinda cool seeing the page count here look like years we know!
I'm collecting every toy that the neighbors kid throws in my yard, I already have tons of Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews this year!
Within 7 seconds of meeting a girl, I decide whether or not I will sleep with her. Convincing her the rest of the night is the tricky part.
Note to the close-minded: different doesn't mean wrong, it's simply right in another way. Appreciate it, rather than punish it with naive isolation
: Have you ever been the only sober person in a roomful of drunk people? ... Me neither.
school and life are similar in a way. In school, you learn a lesson and then take a test. In life, you come across a test that teaches you a lesson.
Good morning I see the assasins failed
looking into the future. Everything looks good for me. But as for you, you're totally f***ed!
I laugh in the face of danger, then I hide until it goes away.
People when referring to a celebrating a holiday say "it only comes once a year". Well, so does every other day. Like, "Hey, its November 22nd! That only comes once a year.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing.
Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess
The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off. 