Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   n't it ironic that to be popular on social networks, you have to sacrifice your social life.

   When is it considered to early to start drinking...cause I think I'm 4 hrs behind!!!

   When someone asks a dumb question it's really hard to not reply with a sarcastic answer

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."---Hedberg Classic :)

   Life's best lessons are learned at the worst times.

   If You Use Pinesol in A Pine Forest Is It Unscented?

   My idea of artificial intelligence is where the Porn tab changes into the Google tab the moment someone knocks on the door

   Facebook stalking should be classified as a hobby

   There comes a time when you just look at yourself in the mirror, and say" f**k it, this is as good as it's gonna get."

   It's hard to tell if someone's short email means they're mad or just busy. I always reply, "Thanks, C***face!" just in case.

   my idea of a drinking problem is not having any booze to drink.

   If I ever wake up in a room with a bunch of people and a tape recorder that says, "Hello, I want to play a game", I'm gonna be pissed!!!

   Fake: it's the latest trend, and everyone seems to be in style.

   I hate running out of deodorant......with 1 armpit left to go

   I didn't get fired, I just got demoted to customer.

   I'd rather drown going against the current than glide along a journey I don't believe in.

   You may have written me off, but I'll never be erased.

   I turn every sexual experience into a love try angle.

   My Wife says I talk in my sleep which I find it funny because nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(