Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An Amber Alert has been issued for a tall, African American 26 yr. old who goes by the name of LeBron James. He keeps disappearing for the 4th quarter of the NBA Final games. If seen, please call his mother, Gloria, or her boyfriend, Delonte.

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

   For Halloween this year I'm gonna tie a potato to my junk and go as a dictator!

   Don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is.

   single...and you're going to have to be freakin' awesome to change that!!

   MEN: New sexual position: WILD BULL; Put your lady on all 4's, put your chest on her back....a couple minutes into having sex, whisper another woman's name in her ear and then try to stay on for 8 seconds ... Good Luck

   When people ask "do you believe in aliens?", I just say "have you seen Lady Gaga?"

   A survey taken showed that 50% of people described sex as a "deep,meaningful,soul-bonding act of showing eternal love to your partner". The other 50% were men.

   The situation in N. Korea has caused 0bama to elevate his mood from "concerned" to "really concerned". Next step: "Super-duper concered", but only if it doesn't offend any Asian-American-Asians-of-Asian-Decent.

   would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you every day.

   Stalking is such a strong word. I prefer extreme follow the leader :)

   My phone didn't get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode

   If zombies ever attack just go to costco, they have concrete walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a costco membership card

   I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Wow...He's really giving me a run for my money."

   I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.

   Everything happens for a reason, live it, love it, learn from it! Make your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile :)

   Just killed a spider in kitchen and I'm leaving it there dead on the floor , just so all the rest can see what will happen to them .

   Attractive person: Hey whats up? Me: Who paid you

   So, are they going to place Joe Paterno's statue in the library to remind people to keep quiet?

   Women don't fart because they can't stop talking long enough to build up pressure.