Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see you poked me. I assume you are DTF?

   You should not be angry if all she wants is your money because all you want is her body.

   Just remember, everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you upside the head, remember... I had a reason!"

   some say that Justin Bieber is the father of Rebecca Blacks baby....but its not true...There is no way 1 girl can impregnate another

   thinks that you are never too old to talk into a fan to hear your robot voice.

   congratulations on your 100th problem jay-z!

   People always look for that one flaw or mistake to bring you down and ignore all the good you have ever done.

   United 93: The first counteroffensive in the war on terror

   Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   Warning: Alcohol may make people appear more doable than they actually are.

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   He told me he doesn't have a beer gut...but it is just a protective covering for his rock hard abs!!

   BREAKING NEWS: In a surprisingly new Marital Sex Survey, men have reportedly finished the survey much quicker than women ....

   When you know why you like someone, it's a crush. When you have no reason or explanation, it's love.

   I recently lost a friend. Not a real one, just one on Facebook.

   15% of men see " <3 " as a heart. 85% see " <3 " as a party hat on boobs.

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

   "One Direction" has 12 letters. So does "gayyyyyyyyyy". Coincidence? I think not.

   I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD