Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I walk out naked to get the paper.. Squirrels are in awe

   I just wrote a note to my utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE!

   Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

   I would like the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a bottle of Jack Daniels as a backup plan.

   Some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

   likes to applaud inanimate objects just to see if they react 

   my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

   working up one hell of a sweat by wearing my "Snuggie" while using "Shakeweights", thank God for "Shamwow" to mop up this mess.

   If I keep procrastinating like this, I'm going to end up back in yesterday.

   There's a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

   Some days I just feel like the token black guy.

   I dare you to wink as much in real life as you do on online.

   Levi Johnston is part native, he just took back his apology to Palin

   Spellcheck? I just type the words into the Google Toolbar and see if it corrects me.

   Why do people lie when getting a gift by saying "Oh You didn't have to do that" HELLO! Thats the only reason they where invited!

   I always wanted to read other people's minds, well now there's facebook where everyone just thinks out loud. Thank you facebook, the future is here.

   "Nice Beaver." Simple, yet effective. RIP Leslie Nielsen. Your classic comedy movies will continue to make us laugh.

   wonders if Cash4Gold would give me money for a bottle of Goldschlager!

   that if you were pots and pans, he'd bang you on New Year's Eve.

   Why is my flashlight always a case for holding dead batteries....