Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you must lie about your age, do what I do... tell people you're ninety-seven...they'll think you look freakin great!

   Tonite I feel like drinking until it looks like Jim Joyce made the right call.

   Don't worry, during the Apocalypse the zombies are looking for brains, you're safe..

   It's true we don't know what we've got until its gone, but we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

   Time for the daily stare contest between me and my TV

   the awkward moment when an emo orders a happy meal at mcdonalds

   I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

   But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.  -Alice in Wonderland-

   I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to your phone off.

   My wife is so much more attractive without having glasses on. That's why I always take mine off when I get home from work!

   Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...

   My girlfriend stripped teased for me last night. Well, she's not really my girlfriend, and I had to pay a cover charge.

   Colorado Rockies will be giving out bongs to the first 15,000 on opening night.

   First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?

   Hey Gen. Petraeus, look on the bright side. At least she was prettier than Monica Lewinski, Rielle Hunter and Schwarzenegger's maid combined...

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!

   Hey know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned to take off his own diaper?.......... everything...........everything is more fun than that

   Yep, back when I was a kid we had hipsters too ...only then we called them douche bags !

   We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?

   I wish I could be as happy as stupid people.