Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put push-pins in all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

   you're not fat, you are just easy to see

   Silly hairdresser, always puts my cape on backwards.

   If karma doesn't hit you, I swear I will first..

   Declining a Facebook friend request is one of the finer moments in life.

   Somedays, all I wanna do is eat and masturbate.

   What did girls do with a 174 picture photo album of a night out before Facebook?

   finally got a new coffee maker this morning... actually... its just a new employee at Starbucks.

   You know it's time to lose weight when none of your towels fit.

   Don't start a new day with yesterday's leftovers.

   LIFE TIP: Next time you do something illegal, look serious and carry a clipboard.

   Hallmark movies give un-attractive, single girls false hope.

   I think I was bitten by a radio-active sloth.

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   YAY! It's Tuesday. One day closer to sitting in a half empty bar watching a $hitty cover band butcher tunes I grew tired of 40 years ago.

   Be safe, New Yorkers. Stay away from large sugary drinks and stuff.

   I hate when I'm driving and I get lost. I'm at the intersection of Martin Luther King Blvd. and Reverend Al Sharpton Way. No biggie, I'll just get out and ask for directions.

   For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.

   Studies show that children who are better liars tend to become more successful as adults.

   You know how when a musician dies radio stations play his songs back to back all day? Here’s to praying Lil Wayne lives forever.