Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!

   I don't care what the law say, if you poke me and you're not my friend, it's rape.

   My wife gave me an apple to eat for breakfast. So, this is what Adam felt like.

   I don't care what happens when FATHER catches DAUGHTER on her WEBCAM! Stop posting that darn link to my wall!!

   You're not ugly, your simply hard to look at...that's ALL!!

   During sex my girl always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   heard that results of a new study finds that two-thirds of Americans believe that torture is sometimes justified. Ahhh, so that helps explain why The Bachelor is still on the air.

   I saw a dog walking his blonde earlier today.

   ...says there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes close

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   ...easy there, don't cry, it's OK. Everyone makes mistakes...take your parents for example

   busy creating an excuse for not coming into work tomorrow.

   Sometimes you have to be completely torn down before you can be rebuilt.

   I hate it when you go to bed and you finally convince yourself that the spot on the wall is just a piece of dirt or something, and then it totally starts crawling towards you!

   Also, when asked by police if you have any weapons or drugs, never say "Why? What do you need?"

   The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off.

   Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.

   When someone smells nice, it automatically makes them more attractive.