Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free costs a lot more.

   I apologize for shouting REMIX!!! during the vows at your second wedding.

   What channel is the Cowboy game on? I want to watch it with my dog to teach her how to roll over and play dead.

   Moving to a new place and people will have a compulsion to say, "but, you won't know anybody there." Like that's a bad thing.

   My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.

   I can party much longer than my cell phone battery.

   I overheard an old dude at the bar tell the bartender not to put ice in his drink because 'you'll bruise the scotch' Changed my life.

   If you say “Kanye” in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   If you think my jokes are bad, you should see my choice in women.

   So let me get this straight -- somewhere a huge NSA data center is storing untold terabytes of data with text like "lol my cat just did a funny" and "u looking good gf"

   ATTENTION : All position for stupid people in my life ,have been filled ,no more applicants need apply. Thank You !

   “It's not up for discussion,” is a thing I say to my wife when I’m absolutely certain I want to spend the next six hours discussing it...

   Did you ever notice some people with the lowest moral compass and zero integrity suddenly become 'karma experts' when things don't go their way?

   We got two inches of snow last night and now I can't find my Smart Car.

   Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.

   wondering if my HEART is healthy enough for SEX , volunteers needed.

   Went gluten free recently and I'm proud to say that after only 2 weeks, I'm already down 15 friends.

   No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

   Kylie Jenner is 17 and just bought a house at $2.7 million and I have to think twice before adding guacamole at Chipotle

   My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.