Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to start a business in India, but have the call centers in America. We'll see how they like it

   shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby now. The proof is in the pudding...

   saw myself naked in the mirror and now my hand isn't in the mood

   I find it extremely ironic that "strap on" is "no parts" spelled backwards.

   Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?

   The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.

   The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

   It's Fathers Day 2mmrw... Ladies plz don't start bashing the whole male species! If ya baby daddy ain't sh*t, you picked him!

   so T-Mobile calls me up and asks "what do you want for a cell phone company" ? So I tell him.... A blow up doll that doesn't fart and fly out the window when you bite her neck.......she hung up!..... I guess they didn't REALLY want to know!

   Can you imagine all the wierd stuff that would going on in the world if everyone who was "following their dreams," did so after one of those late night spicy pizza dreams?

   I'll take "Things that a crackhead would steal" for $600, Alex.

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

   Angry Birds is going to be turned into an animated series. If it's anything like the game an episode will be 30 seconds long, played 20 times in a row, and sure to piss people off.

   I believe in love at first sight....which is exactly why I stopped looking homeless people in the eyes. Just cant risk it.

   going to take a picture of his first kid and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centrepiece in the house. Then when the appropriate time comes and he realiz

   I'm not sure why I involuntarily fart while I pee but I'm pretty glad I don't involuntarily pee when I fart.

   Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?

   Facebook should just change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   If you have an album in your facebook photo page, titled...WeDdInG pHoToS!!!! You my have been too young to marry.

   I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.