Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazing in the same week he finds his birth certificate and bin Laden

   Osama may be dead.. but hes still blowing up my newsfeed

   says Sticks and Stones may break my bones but Political Correctness is Killing Me >-<

   Kim Kardasian is marrying a player on the New Jersey Nets. At least someone on that team is scoring!

   I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial... Like a boss.

   When men lie, it's to avoid an argument. When women lie, it's to ruin lives.

   guessing the men on the jury were confused when they were asked if they wanted to get Casey off

   the bigger the sunglasses, the uglier the face

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.

   I just saw my episode of cops on television. Damn I'm fast.

   Japan`s earthquake shifted the earths axis by 10cm. It`s not much but we are well on our way to our toilets flushing counter-clockwise!

   A man tells his wife "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The wife responded "Great!.... I'll miss you."

   telling your girlfriend you have the herp is not a good april fools joke. Now I'm single

   if you take my jokes to heart... you deserve to be offended!!

   I wish cleaning the house was as easy as cleaning out my email.

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   wondering when SkyNet is finally going online? I've been preparing for that moment since 1985.

   "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." ~ Nathan Hale

   a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far