Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   changing seats on a bus may change your view... but not your destination

   There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I'm sitting through that bullshi@t sober.

   Dear KFC, Why are all the people in your commercials thin? Sincerely, highly suspect.

   Be the CEO of minding your own business.

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   When I have money, I have nothing to buy. When I don't have money, I want everything.

   Mayan Calendar Predicts Doomsday in 2012. Well, at least if the world ends this year, we won't have to hear any more about the Kardashian's

   Truck commercials are getting ridiculous. Just waiting for one with an F850 pulling planet earth. Built Ford Tough.

   I'm at that stage where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hairline of someone who yells at skateboarders.

   Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing. If you can see Gary Busey doing it, chances are you should not.

   Gas is dropping...we must have secured an oil rig in the middle east...

   I wonder if the female equivalent of the c0ckblock is the beaver dam.

   Confession: After midnight, I only let SOME of it hang out.

   They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper "Dont do it" when you open them.

   Just discovered: A cup of noodles consists of two noodles, a half mile long.

   My favorite part of the day is when theres food

   Life is all about deciding how much crazy you can live with.

   Thank you everyone who group text me with Merry Christmas. I just woke up to hundreds of "you too" texts from people I don't know....fml

   Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.