Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look you asked me to be your childs Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   Man it has been too long since I last got laid. The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.

   When a woman asks for your opinion, they don't want to hear your opinion, they want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice.

   ever wonder where hoarders come from? have a Yard Sale....

   My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologizing.

   Somebody needs to invent a way to punch another person in the throat via Internet.

   When starting an IV on a patient do NOT refer to the big IV needles as lawn darts.

   There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.

   i have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake

   changing seats on a bus may change your view... but not your destination

   There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I'm sitting through that bullshi@t sober.

   Dear KFC, Why are all the people in your commercials thin? Sincerely, highly suspect.

   Be the CEO of minding your own business.

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   Whenever someone asks, "Can I be perfectly honest with you?" The answer should always be, "No."

   When I have money, I have nothing to buy. When I don't have money, I want everything.

   Mayan Calendar Predicts Doomsday in 2012. Well, at least if the world ends this year, we won't have to hear any more about the Kardashian's

   Truck commercials are getting ridiculous. Just waiting for one with an F850 pulling planet earth. Built Ford Tough.

   I'm at that stage where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hairline of someone who yells at skateboarders.

   Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing. If you can see Gary Busey doing it, chances are you should not.